End Of Summer (and a few dreams)

Feels like summer's ending around here...it's been a strange summer weatherwise. We even had to postpone Clara's birthday beach party because of rain. The weather's been fine with me since I really wanted summer to disappear. Our little baby #4's due date was next week and we probably would have had our (repeat) C-section today or some date close to this one. I thought the hardest thing would be to pass these dates and not have our little baby at home, but truthfully that's the kind of ghost I'm used to living with, the child who would-have-been. We've got three of those now and it's not so unusual to glimpse them sitting on chairs or running up the stairs, cooing in a bassinet or crying phantom cries in the dark. More unexpected has been to see the ghost of the big-sister-who-would-have-been. Last December when we found out I was pregnant we wondered if Clara would be ready at barely 2 to be a big sister, and now we can see that she really would have been. She has her issues with kids her age sometimes, but the child is baby crazy. She notices them wherever we go, saying "What's the matter, baby?" in this tiny nurturing voice when she hears them crying. She constantly speculates on whether the babies she sees are in need of toys or pacifiers or bottles. One of her favorite things to announce to no one in particular when she's playing in her room is, "I'm a sister!," I assume referring to Elle and Livi. I'm sure there would have been the typical new-baby transition difficulties with jealousy and clinginess, too-rough affections and the like, but she is so gentle and loving toward babies. Overall, she would have been an awesome big sister, this two-year-old girl.

So we journey forward at summer's end, trying to make the days colorful and as fun as we can. A Japanese Obon festival, trips to the science museum and the zoo, an India festival this weekend. I'll still be glad when summer's over.Mama and Clara downtown
India festival dancers
Clara liked their "princess dresses."
With Lucas on a zoo outing